God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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