am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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