Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
