So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
