Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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