Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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