woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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