She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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