he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
