turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
