I wanna bring you to show and tell
literally had 100 drinks last night.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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