I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
