i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
