I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
