I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
