I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
