We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize