I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
