i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
