I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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