I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
