just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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