turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
