Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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