I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
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I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.