Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
