i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
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You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
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BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.