I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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