If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
