Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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