bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
