the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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