I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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