I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
