I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
