I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
