My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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