bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You ruined the universe
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
