One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
