Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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