Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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