Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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