It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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