my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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