sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
