Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
