Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The best revenge is premature balding
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
