Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and she was petting her beer can
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
