.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
