remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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