He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
