Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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