How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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