i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
