you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
