____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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