Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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