He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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