apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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