Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
