Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
