Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
