U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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