Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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